What a Way to Go
by openwindow2
Summary: somebody dies. in a very disgusting way. no names named...unless in alphabetical order...yeah


**This is a disclaimer. it disclaims. **

**What a Way to Go**

Warning: ends in a rather disgusting way…..

Dear Diary,

A very odd occurrence occurred today. As I'm not one to gossip, ruin reputations, or name names, I won't name those names. It all started with that one corpse…I believe it was number 65512…

A black blur bolted through the swinging doors. As it reached the front desk, it skidded to a stopped and revealed that it was, indeed, a person and not a wild animal. He was Not Happy. Two other blurs of pink and yellow soon followed, moving so fast that the blurs gave the impression of a Trix yogurt carton gone wrong, and mimicked the black blur's skidding and jolty movements. The morgue's front doors banged.

"He's dead?" asked the first blur, (who we'll just call _Albert _to keep his name unidentified and poker-face reputation intact) with an odd mix of nameless emotion (namely, confusion, anger, and confusion…and if one took the most powerful microscope in the world and examined his face inch by inch, what could possibly be a tiny grain of glee) on his face… which was saying a lot, as he normally had no emotion on his face and one might as well talk to a cardboard box for all the emotion he showed…but I digress.

The operator at the front desk ignored him in favor of answering the phone with a monotonous, "Hello, this is the Konoha morgue, how may I help you?" It was quite obvious that Albert did not take kindly to this disregard. He slammed his hands down on the desk, making a cup of pencils rattle off the desk. The operator twitched, put down the phone, and said, "Look kid, I'm busy. I dunno whether you've noticed or not? But I've got at least 1000 '**He**'s that are dead, so if you don't mind being a little more specific…...not that it's my problem, but I think that the other departments would appreciate it. If you're looking for someone you need to go to the Department of the Cataloguing of New Arrivals. They'll have it." and then he returned to his phone call ("Ah, yes, you say you've found another one?...it's not twitching this time is it?...).

By then, the yellow and pink blobs had caught their breath. "Albert-kun", began the pink haired blob (who we'll call _Bartholomew_), "what's going on? You just took off all of a sudden, after sensei took you for a 'talk'. What's going on?"

The yellow blob (who we'll call _Carlos_) spoke up, "Yeah, bastard! You could've at least told us _why_ we were hauling ass like a mad cow was after us! What are we doing here anyway? I thought all the people you cared about enough to talk to were already dead….well, barring sensei and us…."

Albert paid to no heed, but took off down the hall. When he reached the next department, he repeated, like a broken record, "He's dead?"

It was obvious this wispy looking, lab coat attired attendant had had more experience in dealing with Albert, as he greeted Albert with a smile and said jovially, "Albert! Long time no see! You know, we do so much business together, I think that this time I'll give you a discount!" (Yes, he was the kind of man that talked in exclamations, be it surprised exclamations, quiet exclamations, or excited ones.) Albert looked at the shrewd squinty eyes behind the glasses for a moment until recognition dawned on him.

"Dr. Daichi." Albert greeted him.

"Yes, Yew. 13 inches I believe it was? No, wait…it was…holly and phoenix feather, 11 inches!…or was it…" at this, Mr. Takahashi's eyes screwed up in concentration, "10 ¼ inches, willow…right? Wait, wrong person! You're the one with the mass murdered family! How are they! Agh! Stupid question! It was reflex, you know, to ask how one is…" Albert, Bartholomew, and Carlos looked at Dr. Daichi. He paused.

"Who killed him?" Albert asked, his voice full of those nameless emotions that were named at the beginning (though how a voice can be laden with emotion…?).

"Whaddayou mean?" asked Dr. Daichi. "He wasn't murdered!" he said.

"…What! He's still alive?" Albert exclaimed. Bartholomew and Carlos were still very confused. But they didn't want to interrupt, so they stood around and acted like furniture.

"Oh, he's dead as a doornail, he just didn't get murdered." replied Daichi.

"…oookkkaaayyyy……"Albert drew out the word in a un-Albert-kun like way.

"So, what happened then?" Albert was very confused.

"He died from asphyxiation."

"Ah." Albert looked enlightened. Then, he went to the closest window and shouted down at the ground, "I KNOW YOU DID THIS SO I COULDN'T KILL YOU! GODAMMIT! NOW I HAVE TO COMMIT SUICIDE JUST TO KICK YOUR ASS! JUST WAIT TILL I GET TO HELL!"

Bartholomew whispered to Carlos, "Think we should send for a psychiatrist?" Carlos didn't answer. He was trying to get people to stop sitting on him. "Dammit Carlos! Stop acting like furniture!" she said. By now, it had dawned on Bartholomew what was going on.

"What's going on?" asked Carlos. Bartholomew explained. Carlos looked enlightened. They turned their attention back to Albert.

"How did he die?" Albert was asking.

"Well, the autopsy shows he got drunk. Then he vomited. While sleeping."

"He _choked_ on his own _vomit_!" Carlos asked, seemingly amazed that that was even physically possible.

"Yup!" Daichi answered cheerfully. As Carlos began gagging, Bartholomew looked at Albert carefully.

"Well, at least you don't need to seek any power from that snakey guy _(his name was Elmo? Or was it Emerson…)_…right?" she asked. Albert was silent. Carlos was still gagging. Dr. Daichi was speaking cheerfully of funeral costs whilst taking measurements of Carlos's neck, wondering how long it would be till he ran out of air.

"……how can you bring someone back from the dead?" asked Albert.

Yes, Diary, today was an interesting day. That corpse was surprisingly good looking too…had nice lips…

SOMEWHERE ELSE:

(aka a sushi bar)

"I'm so devious!" he said. "Heh heh heh…and everyone said he was near impossible to kill! Pay up Deidara!"

"Fuck you." the 'Deidara' said, whilst wondering exactly how **He** (known to the Diary as corpse 65512) got drunk…but that's a story for another day…

Owari

(Yay! I'm multi lingual!)

DUNDUNDUNNN! Who killed 65512? Who IS 65512? (If you can't figure it out...well….you know what? I'm not going to say anything cause there might actually be someone who can't figure out who died…)


End file.
